So...

Where to start?

My life is a mess right now and I love it!

For a while I couldn't even pretend to be happy...
too much was going on and I just hated myself to be honest.

I felt like I was doing everything wrong...

But now...
Idk, I really feel like I'm right where I'm supposed to be for once.

Like all the bullshit that has been my life for the past
few years has been for a reason.

It's led me to this point.

Not to say that my life is perfect right now cause it's far from it..

I just started school full time again and I'm
remembering how much that sucks when
you're working full time and have kids.
But I enjoy it at the same time...it'll be worth
it one day.
So I'm told...lol

Work is crap...I quit a job I really enjoyed at one
point to work a job I tolerate for the most part.
Work is work...I'm still searching for that job that
I look forward to going to each morning. Seems
like I bounce from job to job lately. I just haven't
found what I'm looking for and I don't settle.

I really haven't had much time for "friends" lately,
or to be fair I really haven't made too much time
for them. I feel torn between two lives. The one I had
with my friends going out all the time...partying. Just
living it up! And the life I feel myself falling into...
a family life. Something I had at one point a long, long
time ago. Something I've wanted to get back.

I have a very self destructive personality...I'm
completely aware of it and yet I can't seem to
change it. I'm trying to though...I quit smoking.
I'm trying to kick most of my self destructive
habits, I feel like I'm fighting myself and trust
me it's not an easy thing to do. I am with out a
doubt one stubborn, tough, bitch. lol

The drama is always the same with the ex...no
need to get into that. Let's just say I'm taking
care of it.

I will have my life figured out one day...until then I am
surprisingly content with the way it's going for now.
I'm happy and I'm not gonna let anyone or anything change that.

Lost

its too much right now...
I don't wanna pretend,
I just need to get lost in myself.

One step forward. two steps back...

I'm just done for now....

8.24.10

I haven't felt this alone in a really long time.

I just feel like shutting the world out....

No Words

I can't even begin to describe the way I'm feeling,
There are emotions inside me that I can't even begin to explain...

I wanna cry....
Scream...
Runaway...
Hide...
Fight...
Give up....
Laugh....
Love....


I've kept so much inside for so long...

It's too much...

I'm afraid it's all gonna come pouring out at the worst possible time.

I can't keep holding on....it's time to let go.
Time to move on and not just say it but actually do it.

It is what it is...people come and go.
Some by choice others by fate.

Life changes and you have to change with it.
It may not always be easy but its how it has to be.

I miss you so much....I wish you were still here.
I regret not spending more time with you...
There's so much I wish I could've said...
So much I wish you could've experienced with me.
I love you more than you'll ever kinow...but it's time for me to let go.

Me

I am perfectly imperfect, beautiful in my flaws, sure of my insecurities, absolute chaos....a beautiful disaster.

No Way Out

My anger and frustration is growing stronger and stronger with each day that passes.This process has been all too easy for you and I hate it. From the start you had it all figured out, but what about me? What about my plans? You had no consideration for me or what I wanted. You shoved me into this mess with no warning and no way of getting myself out. I've tried to escape this dark whole many times...each time getting a little closer to the surface only to have something send me crashing back down to the bottom. Meanwhile you go through life without a care in the world, and I sit....body bruised and spirit broken. How many times can I keep falling....I can't let this consume me.

Let Me Love You

Take my hand...look into my eyes.
Forget about everything around us...
family, friends, work...
All that exists is you and I.

Hear what I have to say, not with your ears..
but with your heart.
I know you've been hurt before,
I can only imagine the heart break you've felt
But believe me when I say I'm not like the others

Trust me...
Let me take you away.

Come fly away with me through space and time.
Let me show you the world through my eyes.
Let me show you how to really feel again.

Feel the thick blades of grass, cold and damp
with the morning dew

Feel the warm rays of the sun against your skin
as a gentle summer's breeze blows through your hair

Feel the cool rain drops crash upon your face
and feel the rumble of the thunder course through
your body as you watch the lightning dance
across the sky

Feel the warmth of my body against yours
as we watch the snow flakes fall and transform
everything they touch into something beautiful and new

Feel my sorrow, my pain, my fears and my joy

Feel my heart racing as your body moves
closer to mine

Feel my lips against your forhead as I kiss
you goodnight

Let my arms be your sanctuary as you
rest your head upon my chest

Let me into your heart
I promise I'll never hurt you
If only you'll just let me love you