So...

Where to start?

My life is a mess right now and I love it!

For a while I couldn't even pretend to be happy...
too much was going on and I just hated myself to be honest.

I felt like I was doing everything wrong...

But now...
Idk, I really feel like I'm right where I'm supposed to be for once.

Like all the bullshit that has been my life for the past
few years has been for a reason.

It's led me to this point.

Not to say that my life is perfect right now cause it's far from it..

I just started school full time again and I'm
remembering how much that sucks when
you're working full time and have kids.
But I enjoy it at the same time...it'll be worth
it one day.
So I'm told...lol

Work is crap...I quit a job I really enjoyed at one
point to work a job I tolerate for the most part.
Work is work...I'm still searching for that job that
I look forward to going to each morning. Seems
like I bounce from job to job lately. I just haven't
found what I'm looking for and I don't settle.

I really haven't had much time for "friends" lately,
or to be fair I really haven't made too much time
for them. I feel torn between two lives. The one I had
with my friends going out all the time...partying. Just
living it up! And the life I feel myself falling into...
a family life. Something I had at one point a long, long
time ago. Something I've wanted to get back.

I have a very self destructive personality...I'm
completely aware of it and yet I can't seem to
change it. I'm trying to though...I quit smoking.
I'm trying to kick most of my self destructive
habits, I feel like I'm fighting myself and trust
me it's not an easy thing to do. I am with out a
doubt one stubborn, tough, bitch. lol

The drama is always the same with the ex...no
need to get into that. Let's just say I'm taking
care of it.

I will have my life figured out one day...until then I am
surprisingly content with the way it's going for now.
I'm happy and I'm not gonna let anyone or anything change that.

Lost

its too much right now...
I don't wanna pretend,
I just need to get lost in myself.

One step forward. two steps back...

I'm just done for now....

8.24.10

I haven't felt this alone in a really long time.

I just feel like shutting the world out....

No Words

I can't even begin to describe the way I'm feeling,
There are emotions inside me that I can't even begin to explain...

I wanna cry....
Scream...
Runaway...
Hide...
Fight...
Give up....
Laugh....
Love....


I've kept so much inside for so long...

It's too much...

I'm afraid it's all gonna come pouring out at the worst possible time.

I can't keep holding on....it's time to let go.
Time to move on and not just say it but actually do it.

It is what it is...people come and go.
Some by choice others by fate.

Life changes and you have to change with it.
It may not always be easy but its how it has to be.

I miss you so much....I wish you were still here.
I regret not spending more time with you...
There's so much I wish I could've said...
So much I wish you could've experienced with me.
I love you more than you'll ever kinow...but it's time for me to let go.

Me

I am perfectly imperfect, beautiful in my flaws, sure of my insecurities, absolute chaos....a beautiful disaster.

No Way Out

My anger and frustration is growing stronger and stronger with each day that passes.This process has been all too easy for you and I hate it. From the start you had it all figured out, but what about me? What about my plans? You had no consideration for me or what I wanted. You shoved me into this mess with no warning and no way of getting myself out. I've tried to escape this dark whole many times...each time getting a little closer to the surface only to have something send me crashing back down to the bottom. Meanwhile you go through life without a care in the world, and I sit....body bruised and spirit broken. How many times can I keep falling....I can't let this consume me.

Let Me Love You

Take my hand...look into my eyes.
Forget about everything around us...
family, friends, work...
All that exists is you and I.

Hear what I have to say, not with your ears..
but with your heart.
I know you've been hurt before,
I can only imagine the heart break you've felt
But believe me when I say I'm not like the others

Trust me...
Let me take you away.

Come fly away with me through space and time.
Let me show you the world through my eyes.
Let me show you how to really feel again.

Feel the thick blades of grass, cold and damp
with the morning dew

Feel the warm rays of the sun against your skin
as a gentle summer's breeze blows through your hair

Feel the cool rain drops crash upon your face
and feel the rumble of the thunder course through
your body as you watch the lightning dance
across the sky

Feel the warmth of my body against yours
as we watch the snow flakes fall and transform
everything they touch into something beautiful and new

Feel my sorrow, my pain, my fears and my joy

Feel my heart racing as your body moves
closer to mine

Feel my lips against your forhead as I kiss
you goodnight

Let my arms be your sanctuary as you
rest your head upon my chest

Let me into your heart
I promise I'll never hurt you
If only you'll just let me love you

The First Time

I remember the first night I met you.
You were out with my cousin that night.
Everyone was drinking at my apartment,
She text me looking for something to do...
Said she was out with a friend and wanted to come by.

I assumed you two were together, so I kept my distance.
I finally got her alone and asked if she was with you...
She smiled and said, " no, we're just friends. why do u ask?"
I told her it just looked that way...
Said a friend of mine was into her.
I didn't let her know that it was because I was into you.

You and I talked alot that night...
We flirted back and forth...both of us finding some reason to touch.
You intrigued me...

You and her stayed after everyone else had left that night.
She went to go "talk" with my best friend in the other room.

We sat together on the couch...talking...
Random stuff at first...
Then it turned into a debate about what was going on in the other room.

We talked about them but we both knew we were really talking about us...
About how you can just feel that attraction sometimes....
How life is short and you can't be afraid to take a risk....
How sometime's you just have to do what you feel....
You stared into my eyes and we kissed...
We both paused and thought for a minute...
It felt so good....you leaned in and kissed me again.
It was longer this time, more intense...

I still remember the feeling I had from
being with you that night.
You were gentle but also rough....
Biting my lip as we kissed...
Making your way down my body.
The pain was intoxicating...perfect...
The feeling of your skin against mine...
The smell of your perfume

It was amazing with you that night
You brought something out in me...
something I can't explain.
Like you new exactly what I wanted and I loved it!
I'd never been with a girl before you...but it felt so natural

You were my first of many things....
And because of that I'll never forget you

Conflicted

I wanna let go...
I wanna show you who I am.
Not the person I seem to be, but who I really am.
Beneath all my fears, frustrations, and pain.
The person I was long before all the walls came up,
Before all the emotions got locked away.

I can tell you're different and it scares me.
I'm unsure how to react...
Everything I know is wrong...
You make me wanna change...be better.

You tell me things I need to hear,
without judgement you listen to me.
I feel a comfort with you I've never felt before.

I feel myself letting go at times,
I'm not sure what to do.
My mind says, "becareful, you'll be hurt again."
But my heart says, "don't think it could be great."
I'm conflicted and it frustrates me!

I wanna let go...
I'm here....I'm ready.

losing control

Do you remember what it was like as a kid spinning round and round on the merry go round.....holding on with all your might as you spun faster and faster, closing your eyes and getting lost, feeling as if you could just fly off into the sky? I've always loved that feeling, but its a bitter sweet feeling for me because I know I can never really fly away and escape this life. For as long as I can remember I've always had dreams of being able to fly, wishes of being a butterfly...beautiful and graceful, free to roam the sky as I please. I find myself wishing more than ever that I could just fly away....take off even just for a short while and get lost in the clouds....watch the sun setting over the ocean.....see the glow of the moon against the mountain tops. Just one day is all I ask.....

I feel myself spinning....faster and faster each day....slowly losing my grip. I don't know how much longer I can hold on....how much longer I want to hold on. I feel like I'm losing control, I want this feeling to stop....I want to scream, runaway, anything to make it stop. But it's no use...there's nothing I can do...

I wanna give up.....I feel like I've been fighting to hold on for so long now.

I wanna let go....

Maybe if I just let go it'll all go away...

I'm sorry

where to start

So where do I start...I'm 23 years old, divorced, and the mother of two amazing little girls. I've never felt the urge to post a blog or do anything like this before but I hear it's a good way to clear your mind and release unwanted stress so why not. I have no idea where to start or how to begin to even explain who I am....maybe that's because I'm not really sure myself. I guess I can start with who I used to be...I was your typical nerd in elementary school and even into junior high. I was a straight A student, loved school, always looking for any extra credit work to do, didn't really care what the other kids thought or said I buried myself in stories and writing and art. I was the quiet girl nobody really knew anything about and I liked it that way. I kept to myself and didn't really have to many friends atleast not real one's. I went to a private school until I hit 8th grade, some would say I had a pretty sheltered childhood and thats probably true. My first year at a public school was when everything changed. I went from being all about school to being all about everything else. I was in GT classes and hell I was even on the octathalon team at my junior high but it wasn't for me anymore. It was for my parents and teachers. I'm the type of person who does things to make other people happy even if I'm not. But I'm working on changing that. I met three of my best friends that first year of public school, I married one of em and the other two...well their two of the best people you'll ever meet. I never would've guessed we'd be where we are now but that's just life I guess. High school was pretty much the same thing....I cared more about guys and having fun than I did about studying or even showing up to classes. Don't get me wrong I still loved art and english and learning I just got side tracked by stupid high school drama. I fell for all the wrong guys and stupid lines. High school was a mess ...for a while my art and writing was an outlet for all the bullshit I went through but after a while I just stopped. I got pregnant my sophomore year of high school and that was a mess...everyone had something to say or an opionion about my life. I only made it to about 10 weeks and then had a miscarriage over the summer. That next year was more drama and stupid shit. I finally dropped out mid year and moved into an apartment with one of my best friends from junior high. We got pregnant with our first kid about 5 months later. I look back at how we used to be and the relationship we had and I can't even understand how we got to this place that we're at now. He was my best friend, my protector, we had a love and respect for each other back then. There's times that I'm pretty sure this whole mess was my fault but idk...Our relationship was up and down always split up then back together than split up again. I don't think either one of us was ever really happy ...he wanted me to be someone I wasn't and I wanted the same thing out of him. By the time we had our second kid our relationship had turned into a nightmare. He was always wasted and angry...always cheating and lieing...i don't remember one night when i didn't cry myself to sleep just praying for a way to get out of that mess. Then finally one day he came home for lunch, sat me down and gave me his house key, said he'd met someone else and that it was different with her. I remember the anger and hate i felt that day, I still carry a little bit of it inside me now. I can't even describe all the emotions I felt that day, a million different feelings coming at me all at the same time. Its taken me a long time to get where I am right now....sadly. There's days that I just want to give up and days that I can't imagine my life being any other way. I'm still a big mess of emotions and feelings but I'm trying to sort it all out. Im trying to get back to that person I was before....the quiet, nerdy girl nobody understood, the girl who wanted to do and see it all and didn't care what anyone had to say. I know that persons still inside me, and I know I'm stronger and more determined than ever to leave a mark on this world.